Saturday, May 21, 2011

Charlotte May

it only lasted such a short time. how can it still ache so much. maybe because for us. we are mothers the moment we find out they exist.

once we see them, touch them, feel them... we become different people and there is no going back.
its in us forever.
im so very thankful for being then. for her life. for the short time i was able to call her mine.

I read the above from this blog, an inspiring sweet mother who lost her little girl at 4 months of age.

Today one year ago at 7.15pm, I gave birth to our beautiful baby daughter, Charlotte May Triffitt. In the past I have described her as a perfect soul inside an imperfect body but now even that doesn't seem right. I think now that even her body was perfect. I see other children with Down Syndrome and I see their bodies as perfect, a mirror to their perfect sweet spirits. It makes me wonder what Charlotte would have looked like when she grew up. How gorgeous would my little girl with Down Syndrome have been. Can you see her? With her beautiful blonde hair?

Her tiny perfect body................

You had tiny perfect ears, curled over in the Down Syndrome trademark way. They were oh so very cute. I wanted to whisper in your ear how much your Mummy loved you, how much it was hurting me right now to have to go through this but that it would be okay because we would be together again one day.

Flynn's fingers remind me of your fingers, so small but so perfect right down to the tiny wrinkles on your knuckles, with one fist curled up resting on your cheek.

Flynn's toes remind me of your toes. Those tiny little feet, begging to grow and run through the grass and play in warm rich soil.

I made you a blanket. I know you must giggle at the wobbly lines I sewed that don't quite meet up but it was a blanket of love and acceptance of your extra chromosome. I made it before you passed away, hoping to wrap your warm little body in it and you would grow up with it, knowing how deeply your mother loved this unexpected package that you came in.

Instead even though it is pink, Flynn is having a wonderful time with it. It was there right at his birth, waiting for his body to be wrapped in it, part of me wishing it was you, but loving him equally as fiercely.

He loves to hold the fluffy bits with his hands, just like I know you would have. What a blessing it is to have him here in our family. I am so grateful for the joy he brings to our lives and I know this makes you happy.

Happy birthday my sweet little girl. I can't wait to blow out the candles with you one day.

NB. all these photos of Flynn were taken by the amazing talented Lisa King. Thankyou for capturing the essence of my sweet little boy and for the beautiful pendant you gave me to remember today (Flynn is holding it in the first picture).

I have it around my neck. I told Lisa I would wear it on May 21 every year but now I have it around my neck, I think I may not ever take it off -at least not for awhile anyway. :)


The Kings said...

I always think about how beautiful she would've been. I know how much you wish she could've come to earth and joined your family, but am so glad that on her birthday you have Flynn with you to bring lots of joy into such an amazing family. I know she will be glad too.

ann said...

Hey Lil Moni..gorgeous Moni..
I have been thinking of you.
I wasn't sure if I could read your blog, but I did and I'm glad..albeit my heart is aching and tears are rolling.
Sweet sweet Charlotte and what a beautiful blanket you made with love, how dear it is that Flynn is laying on it, growing on it, being kept warm and amused by it.
Lots of love and warm thoughts to you and Simon xxx

Bride said...

what a beautiful post *sniff *sniff
so many lovely memories you have of Charlotte.
and what a lovely gift from Lisa

Cullis Family said...

Simone, you are so right I love "we are mothers the moment we find out they exist." Thanks heaps for the chat today and that cuddle from Flynn! xx

Makayla said...

This is so beautiful. I love that Charlotte is still such a big part of your family, as it should be :) Lovely pendant from Lisa.