Celebrating the knowledge

Today when I woke up, I knew I wanted to make this day (Charlotte's due date) a day of celebrating what I have in the here and now and what I have to look forward to in the future, rather than dwelling on 'what could have been'. At times I have been consumed with, 'what could have been' and 'why couldn't she stay', and 'why give me a blessing that I then didn't receive' and 'how come the stranger down the street gets to keep her baby with Down Syndrome and I don't' and 'why did you let me fall in love with her and then take her away' - I did some pretty good whinging!! :)

You see when we first found out about the Down Syndrome, I was devastated. I thought I was in a nightmare. It was just such a shock to find out my baby was THE ONE out of all those 'normal' babies out there, that was 'different'. Many emotions rocked through me those first few weeks, but by the end of that first month, I had come full circle, realising what a privilege it was, and by then it was too late, I had fallen madly in love with this baby, a baby that would grow but that would stay innocent and pure their whole life on this earth and as I started to feel the first flutters of movement from deep within my tummy, I actually began to get a little excited. When at first, I was scared by the whole 'down syndrome look' she would have, I now began to wonder about what colour her almond shaped eyes would be, how cute her folded down ears would be, the wide gaping mouth that I would smother with kisses and the short little body I would cuddle everyday, for as long as I had her. All the selfish thoughts I had about losing 'time for myself' were gone. But then....... she was gone! Just like that!

I have come to realise however, that we can't change things we have no control over and so getting angry or bitter about it does you no good. It's like when Harry Potter is consumed by looking in the mirror and seeing his parents, seeing the thing he wanted the most. Dumbledore told him that many a wise wizard had wasted away staring into that mirror, wishing for something that could not be.

And so when I have questioned Heavenly Father and stated, 'this was not the plan, I don't wish to be here, I want her back', he softly whispers with a smile, 'this IS the plan, this IS what you agreed to do, you ARE living the plan and I'm sure he ruffles my silly little confused head, smiling at my frustrated incomprehension of what I can no longer remember, knowing all the while that one day, whether it be sooner or later, it will all make sense to me.

So today we decided to write some letters to Charlotte and tie them to some helium balloons.

There is something symbolic about watching balloons rise into the sky, until they are just tiny specks, a notion that maybe, they will reach heaven and be grasped by the person we are honouring.

We let the balloons go on our deck where we had planted a rose in a pot. It is actually called a 'Charlotte' rose, We researched it on the internet and then one of the garden centre's ordered it in for us.

We also put out on the deck, a quilt I had made for Charlotte, before I found out she had died and her remembrance box, with her ultrasound photos, gifts and cards from dear friends after she had passed and trinkets, letters and pictures the kids had done for her. Even the funeral home bill is in the box. :)

Finally tonight, we made a cake and celebrated Charlotte's many birthdays that we will one day celebrate with her.

The funny thing was, that Jonty thought the cake was for his birthday and when we sang, 'happy birthday', he grinned like a cheshire cat.

So today I wanted to celebrate the 'here and now' in the privilege I have of raising these four (and a half) beautiful kids with one amazing husband and in celebrating the knowledge that our family can be a family not just in this life, but in the eternities also.

The temple that Simon and I were married in,

Jan 7 2000, Sydney Austalia

This means, that if I do my part and live my life to the best of my ability, I get to live with Simon and Sarra and Hallie and Oliver and Jonty and Charlotte and 'the boy baby' forever and ever.

Now THAT is something worth celebrating.

Oh Naturale

Wouldn't it be nice to be young again and look good in every photo that was taken of you, no wrinkles, no bumpy, hangy bits, just always photogenic.

I'm sure that's what The Examiner (northern Tassie's local paper) thinks of Hallie because she is always getting her photo in the paper for one thing or another. This was on pg 3 of today's paper.

This is Hallie and Alice in December 2007, the 4th time that year, Hallie was featured in The Examiner. Alice is the third one along in today's paper and next to Hallie in this one.

I know what you look like...

Numbers - I'm a big numbers fan. I love them. It's weird I know but it has its upsides. When my good friend Mel was pregnant, she couldn't remember how many weeks she was, so she would always tell people to ask me. I remember, friends' kids birthdates and when people at church ask me about the next month's activities, I can rattle off all the dates.

So the point of all this!!

Today is the 21st day of October and I am 16wks and 4days pregnant with our baby boy. This scan is my baby at 12wks and 1 day.

At first I wished i had a scan of him at 16wks and 4days so I knew what he looked like today but then I realised, I already knew what he looked like.

On the 21st of May at 16wks and 4days, I gave birth to our beautiful daughter Charlotte. The sacredness and sadness of the labour experience, her exquisiteness and grace, the perfectness of her body beyond anything I could have comprehended has been indelibly etched in my mind.

We found out on the 21st of April, exactly one month earlier, that our baby, whom we named Charlotte May, had Down Syndrome. According to the doctors, this is why she died, her heart was too defective. But her soul wasn't -it was strong and perfect and wise. I don't know why Charlotte had to die before we had the chance to watch her grow and learn about the joys and challenges of raising a magical extra chromosome baby, but I know there was a purpose to this whole experience. I don't yet know what that purpose is, but a very dear friend of mine said 'when it's hard....that's when faith has to take over'. Sometimes it is hard not to know the reason for some things, but the journey is in coming to gracefully accept HIS will and having the peace of mind that ALL experiences, both joyful and sorrowful are for OUR good, to help us be better than before, because HE loves us.

The other day at the hospital I came across a young man with Down Syndrome. Where once I would have fleetingly glanced at him, I slowed and searched his eyes until they met mine....... and then we gave each other the biggest grin and in that moment, I saw Charlotte smiling back at me. Already I have changed and for that I am eternally grateful.

Charlotte was due on November the 1st so on that day, Simon and the kids and I will quietly reflect on Charlotte's presence and influence in our lives. She will always be close to me, I know that and feel it, like my own personal guardian angel I suppose, and that is a truly tender blessing from above but as numbers go there is a new date I must now focus on and prepare for and start to look forward to.

Charlotte's baby brother is due April 3rd. He arrived against all odds just one month after we lost Charlotte, when I wasn't mentally, emotionally or physically ready. He has his own story to tell, his own blank pages to fill with life experiences and a mother who will love him fiercely because I know that he and Charlotte share an amazing bond and I feel privileged to be a part of that bond forever and ever.

A beautiful day for running

A gorgeous Spring day coupled with the Westbury PS running carnival made for a lovely day. A rare moment when Mums can sit down in the sun and relax and not feel guilty about it.

There were some spills and falls, cheers for the winners, encouragement for the ones bringing up the rear but most of all there was a spirit of participation and getting in and having a go. And of course a quiet pride from a certain Mum when the girls pulled in some firsts - parents are allowed that luxury sometimes aren't they??

Ollie - keep your eye on the finish line!!

Oliver had decided before his race that he was going to come third, and as self-fulfilling prophecies go, third he came. :)

A great posse to be with our picnic lunch to watch the race, sitting with Kerry and Kirsty and catching up over 5hrs rather than quick snatches of conversation at the end of the school day.

Sarra striding to first place in the 100m.

Hallie running against her arch rival, Jordan. They always fight for first and second spot.

This was the funniest race of all, when the parents, some who have not run for what, 20 years, run with their kids. The Triffitts came a close second in after the Browns.

Jonty had fun playing in the school community garden. It's a beautiful garden and a great opportunity for Simon to take some great shots of Jonty Monty amongst nature in Spring.